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[ website | A Killer Inside ]
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Volunteers Needed for a Research Study on Self Injury [25 Jul 2010|11:59am]

Dear LJ Community,
The recruitment for our self injury study is now complete.
Thank you for your support of our research. Please feel free to email me with any questions you may have.
~Tatyana Kholodkov
Graduate Student
Old Dominion University 
I don't want to hurt

Hello [23 Oct 2009|08:39pm]

[ mood | okay ]

Hi, I'm Lizzie. I'm 16 and have been cutting and reopening wounds for 10 months. It may not seem that long, but in my head it has seemed like ages. The longest I have been without harming myself is 40 days. October has been the worst month for me. I have cut myself six times this month. I thought I was going okay, but I think the stress of college and not having any real friends got to me. I told my form tutor but she referred me to the college counsellour. And I didn't go, because I hate talking to people. I prefer writing and that is why I actually joined LJ, to write all my feelings down and stuff.
I am trying to stop. I really am. But I need someone to help me. My parents know, but they have simply ignored it and pretended it's not here. It's really annoying, because I want to go to my doctor and they can't help because it's not really there.
Mostly I channel my emotions into music and writing. But sometimes it's music and writing that sets me off.
I like to see blood and the cuts. But I dislike the scars.

I don't want to hurt

[30 Nov 2006|05:26pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Hi. My name is Calli (musecalliopeia), and I am now 23 months clean of cutting!

I started cutting when I was 16. I am now 34. Prior to getting into recovery, the longest I'd been able to go without cutting was about a month and a half.

I recently opened a new self-injury recovery journal, selfinjuryanon. Please feel free to come by and check it out - anyone is welcome to join. I want this to be a safe, supportive place for people to come together and share their experiences.

I don't post about my new community to be obnoxious - I post because I'm proud of the recovery I've found, how long I've gone without hurting myself, and I want to help other people. I'm proud of the members of my new community, and the way that they are opening up to themselves, to one another, and how they are reaching for help, and reaching out to help.

See, a couple years ago, I hit bottom. Hard. And when I looked around for help, I couldn't find anything, really. There was no "self-injury [or self-mutilation or cutters, or whatever] anonymous". I talked to therapists and people who worked in the recovery community, and they didn't know of anything. So I created this community to be a safe haven for people who self-injure. There are a lot of us, and we mostly feel so very alone.

But we're not alone. We have each other, and we can help each other get through this. We all know how tough it is, and we're learning how satisfying it is to make it through.

I don't want to hurt

[18 Feb 2006|12:38am]

1350+ members. Self Injury/Suicide support community. Anyone can join.
If you SI, used to, think about it, know someone who does, etc; feel free to join.
It isn't pro or anti SI, it for support, and support you *will* get there or could give.

It's like a big family more than anything, with new people coming
everyday & sometimes people feeling recovered enough to leave.

It is a safe place to go and let things out, ask for help/advice
or anything of that sort; and it will continue to be safe too.

Remember to read the rules if you join, they're easy to follow but very important. :)
I don't want to hurt

Vent [29 Dec 2005|03:57am]

I hate my little sister. She is such a bitch. She gets everything she wants. I mean, seriously, I'm the older sister. What's up with that? She thinks she is G-d and should be treated as such. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and expects everyone to do things for her. She doesn't care about my feelings or anyone else's feelings. She never helps around the house and she is the most selfish, self-centered, concieted person I know. She never helps me. She calls me names 24/7 and tells me that I have no friends and that I am stupid. I don't understand why she is so mean. I feel responsible in a way because I kind of helped raise her. Ya know, older sisters are role models for their younger sisters. I feel that I must not have taught her that other people matter and that all people should be treated fairly. I don't understand why she is so mean. My parents let her do whatever she wants. I'm 16, and she's 14, but she has a lock on her door, a tv in her room and a computer with internet in her room. I have none of those. I don't even have internet on my computer which is in the same room with my parent's computer. She has friends sleep over every night and she watches tv until all hours of the morning. She's always on her computer and I never get to go on the computer. And I deal, but no one really cares. My dad figures that since I'm dealing well without having a computer that obviously I don't need a computer. And if I bitch about not having a computer I just get it taken away for longer. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. My parents moved my sister into a bigger room and gave her the computer that my sister and I shared. My parents promised me that it wasn't a punishment for me and that I would get my own computer and would have internet on it. This was all 7 months ago. My computer has so much of my dad's music collection on it that it will hardly function and it makes using iTunes on it a pain in the ass. My dad makes half ass 'attempts' to fix it, but gives up and doesn't really care. I have to ask to use my parents computer and since my parents are both journalists, I rarely am able to use it. It just really bugs me that my sister is treated so much better than I feel that I am. I mean, I understand that I can be a bitch sometime, but I've really improved over the last year. I've stopped hurting myself for the most part, apart from the occasional bruising. I feel like I don't really have much to be happy about in life. I've been working all week, and I worked all summer and my sister does nothing. I work hard in school and try my best and my sister doesn't. I go to a private school and my dad is always threatening that he'll put me in public school if I don't do well enough. I got all A's and B's last year, so I don't know what he really wants me to get this year. I made some really nice friends. I met the guys online. One of them like four years ago, and the other two probably six months ago. They are all really nice and we started talking on the phone. My parents found out and took my phone away. Now, they won't let me talk to them. It's really unfair. I wasn't doing anything sexual with them and I just really enjoyed talking to them. They helped calm me down and make me feel happy. Now, I don't have them anymore. My dad is abusive. Mostly verbal, sometimes physical. I'm alwlays the one that stands up for my mom, sister and dog. My sister has probably stood up for me 5 times in the last 14 years. My mom tries to stand up for me sometimes but she is afraid of my dad. She is afraid of losing him. He has been unemployed for five years now. My mom just doesn't want to give up on him. He makes me feel like shit and treats me like shit. School is okay for the most part, I don't have too many friends though and I'm pretty shy and self conscience. I wear a sweat shirt to school everyday. I used to be pretty skinny, I was even kind of anorexic for a while but when I gave up cutting and stuff, I started eating. Now, I'm fat and ugly. I'm afraid to weigh myself. I probably weigh about 180 lbs now, I'm 5'2". I feel so gross. I wish I could go back in time. I'm very uncomfortable with myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. I live life as best as I can though. I'm going to go to bed now because family friends are arriving tomorrow.

If anyone actually read even part of this. Thank you. I hope I haven't depressed you. If you have any comments, support, or advice, please leave me a comment. Good night and stay safe.
I don't want to hurt

[27 Nov 2005|08:29pm]


i'm sick of being alone, and i'm hoping i can meet some people- it's been years since i could honestly say i've had a friend.

my name is matt, and i've been spending the last few years around various parts of the united states...I was kicked out of school a few years ago and really end up living where i drift to. for the time being i'm close to a library, which is why i'm taking this time to post.

i'm...really bad with introductions. but i would like to say hello. as my name suggests, i've been a cutter for years. i don't have much else to say. ...yeah.
1 Wound| I don't want to hurt

[30 Sep 2005|11:04pm]

A little confused here. Some guy just called me and told me he meet me on a livejournal cutting community. Somehow he knew my number. He called restricted and left a number which is the number to a local radio station. If this was you or you know who it was, leave a message. Or if you have any ideas to find out who it was. I don't know how he could have gotten my phone number.


Oh and three months cut-free and going strong!!
5 Wounds| I don't want to hurt

[30 Jun 2005|01:00am]

I made a new cutters community. Please join.

I don't want to hurt

[26 Jun 2005|02:33am]

[ mood | sleepy ]

Hi. I'm almost 16 and I've been cutting since I was 12. I just seem to crave the way the blade slices through the skin. I hoped I could find people that can relate to me. You can add me if you think you do.

I don't want to hurt

me again... [31 May 2005|04:54pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

A rant... xposted in journal

Well, mistakes happen. She messed up, but I'm not angry. I know that. I feel like the blood is on my hands sometimes, but it's not. I just gotta keep tellin myself that. She can do it... I can help sometimes, not always. I know that. It's just so hard sometimes. Like being locked in a glass cage and watching a car wreck. Sheesh... I've gotta be positive. I know she can do it. It's so tough, and I wish I could be there always but I can't. Not yet at least. One day... one day we will be together forever. It's not just fate anymore, it's a fucking prophecy. There's no one else for me, and no one else for her. We both just hafta believe. I know I do.

I don't want to hurt

[17 May 2005|07:35pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

God damn it. Look at me doing the same thing I always do. Wearing the mask of lies, I promised myself I would take it off, but it is so much easier to hide behind it. When people talk to you about things, do you act as though it isn't a problem when really it kills you. I don't know why, I just do it all the time.

I act all calm and collect when inside I'm screaming in pain, I just want to match the inside to the outside. Cut out the pain. cut, cut, cut.

I'm just lying to myself, I keep telling myself I'm going to quit and be okay, but I'm not. I can't even see myself with out cutting. I'm not ever really trying. I'm just in so much pain all the time. I just want it to pour it with my blood, and flow away, go away. Leave me be for five seconds. I'm so tired of the pain. It stings and burns. When will I get to be happy? *screams loudly*

I don't want to hurt

Hey [15 May 2005|11:47pm]

[ mood | optimistic ]

Hey guys and gals,
I joined this community today for what you guys may find as a weird or crazy reason. No, I don't SI, and I know thats what this community is meant for, however I joined for a different reason. I don't want this to seem like I'm using you guys and your pain for my own personal gain, but I'm really here to find out more about SI-ing. My girlfriend who I also consider my best friend SI's and I find it impossible to understand when it comes from her, and I believe that is because I am too involved emotionally to understand. I'm looking for some help or insight to help her and myself out. I wanna know how you guys cope with it, and what causes you guys to do it. I wanna get a deeper insight into it so I understand it better when my girlfriend does it. I'm here to help myself help my girlfriend and I get through it. I hope you guys embrace me and can help me out as much as possible and I thank you in advance. Anyone who wants to reach me can on Aim at NoLeafClover6388 or e-mail me at justice4all101@yahoo.com. Thanks guys /\m/\

1 Wound| I don't want to hurt

[05 May 2005|08:38pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

Yes, I'm Leah and I'm 16, and I've been cutting for 2 years.  I'm also trying to quit.

I'll put this in the cut because it's very descriptive about cutting.

Crying tears of bloodCollapse )

2 Wounds| I don't want to hurt

[28 Jan 2005|03:38pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Hello everyone. My name is Amanda, Im 17, and I guess I was a recovered SI up until a couple days ago. It had been about 2 1/2 months. I dont really know what made me start cutting again but all I know is 2 days ago I didn't have any wounds, and as of right now.... I have 19. That may not seem like that big of a number to some of you. But for me that is a lot.
I started cutting about 2 years ago, but it wasnt that often. It wasnt until June that I started cutting alot. A lot happened that month and I couldn't take it all. I tried to commit suicide a few times but obviously it wasnt a success. I was put on medication and under suicide watch (if anyone has ever gone throught that they know what a living hell it is), if you havent be thankful...

Sometimes I feel like Alice spiraling down the rabbit hole, and there is no way out, no way back to reality....

3 Wounds| I don't want to hurt

[17 Jan 2005|04:07pm]


I don't want to hurt

[13 Dec 2004|02:30am]

[ mood | exhausted ]

I used to cut. I still consider myself a cutter as I often do have strong temptations and I consider it a part of who I am. However I'm working on getting through each day without another scar, just taking it day by day instead of "I'm never cutting again, ever." That's simply too daunting. Not to sound rude, but I'm only joining this community for this one post (and possibly a comment here and there), simply because I find if I visit communities like these continually it's triggering. I do admit that I am involved in another type of self-injury currently: salt/ice. However, I don't find it as addicting, merely a way to resolve my stronger urges to cut.

Anyway, for my Psychology class I am doing a research paper on Self-Injury. If any of you would care to share your story, why you cut, what triggers you, what you gain from it, anything, please do right here as a comment. Any quotations I use will either be made anonymous, a fake name, or your real name- depending on your choice, so do choose! I would really appreciate it, and in the process I hope it gives you all some things to think about, digging a little deeper beyond skin and blood, to what's really the issue here. I love you all, I don't care that you're strangers to me, you're still human and sharing space and breath and time and secrets and fighting this life. XOXO and thank you in advance.


PS; This will be x-posted to other SI communities, sorry for littering your friends pages.

3 Wounds| I don't want to hurt

[12 Nov 2004|02:10pm]

i cut. and i bruise. :(
lifes just not worth it anymore..
1 Wound| I don't want to hurt

[11 Nov 2004|12:13pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

Hey all.
Im new on this and i just figured this would be a place for me to spill myself and actions to other people that understand. Nobody ever understands me and i thought this might be something different. My best friend passed away 3 years ago and his birthday is coming up november 19th. Not a day goes by that i dont think about him and he was like a brother to me. Slitting my wrists and doing other shit didnt help apparently for me to join with him. And i was thinking of hanging myself from the tree thats right next to his grave. is that so wrong to think like that or does anyone have any advice for me. Id appreciate the help. Thanks for listening.

1 Wound| I don't want to hurt

[16 Oct 2004|09:25pm]

[ mood | apathetic ]


hey, my name is Kai and i'm 14 in a few months. i don't really expect anyone to actually take notice of my problems but i need to get them out somewhere and i guess this is the best place to. i've been a cutter for almost half a year. it started out simple scratches but it more recently got worse. i started using razors and what not and it's gotten so much worse. i'm turned severely depressed and am slowly turning anorexic. my mother is an abusive bitch who i can't trust w/ my seuality, i'm bi, or the fact i'm an Atheist. she acts so open minded to other ppl but when it comes to me she closes off and expects me to be a certain way. i have to be straight or lesbain. i have to be the perfect daughter. and if i ever told her my problems she would beat the shit out of me for making her waste money on my pitiful problems. she's a drunk bitch who wishes i was never born.

my friends pressure me not to cut and only one actually takes the time to listen to me and understand or so she says, but she cuts too and doesn't really listen when i try to talk to her. everytime i say something upsetting to her she breaks down and tells me to stop talling her. i guess i came here hoping for people to talk to who wouldn't push me or judge me. it feels so hopeless to me and i find myself staring at knives and blades wishing i could just pick it up and end it. i kno that if i dont'stop now i'll just end up dead and that'll hurt everyone so much. i carry a small razor around and in a week used up the whole bottom half of my left leg. i don't want to die becuz of my friends but i wish they would just leave me alone sometimes and let me end it.

my bf and i just broke up becuz i wouldn't open up to him. i don't trust ppl that well. and it hurt cuz i was opening up to him. and i really was trying to. he was just pushing me too far. he wanted me to spill everything to him and when i tried to what i said upset him and he blew up at me. i really loved him so much but i guess i wasn't good enough. idk i just feel so hopeless. i've been trying to stop but everytime i do i get so miserable. i held out for a long time but idk this year i just snapped. idk i just need people who understand me...i just fel so drained and weary....

feeling like shit as always,

2 Wounds| I don't want to hurt

mew [01 Sep 2004|10:06pm]

[ mood | stressed ]

hi everyone. my name is amanda, but i go by Maki. i am 17 and i am a hair puller or a trich. out of no where i'll start pulling my hair, and playing with my eye brows. and well, now that i'm a senior, and college is comming up... i can't seem to handle the stress. so here i am, alone, scared, and left with less hair.

i'm hoping i'm not the only hair puller here and i can find someone else to talk to. i need a friend. some one i can talk to about this, none of my friends pull. they all cut. but cutting and pulling is not the same thing.

also, recently i've been wanting an icon of someone pulling. if anyone has any icons, could you please leave a comment. i can't seem to find any.



I don't want to hurt

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